The St. Francis of Assisi Comes to COP 26 Challenge

 

Article from The Patron Saint Herald – 14^th October 2021

 

Crisis Talks at Earth Division of Patron Saints

by Francis de Sales

Photograph: Veronica

 

Today a crucial meeting was held above Rome to discuss the looming threat of a global environmental catastrophe on Earth, which could lead to the closure of the Earth Division of the Patron Saints Organisation.

 

Raphael the Archangel chaired the meeting to appoint the patron saint responsible for COP Summits.  The successful candidate will intercede with God on behalf of the COP Summit attendees. It is thought by many that whoever wins this prestigious post will be in a solid position to become Head of the Division, assuming they are successful in securing agreements with God that do save the planet.

 Following the initial ballots, four very different patron saints made it through to the shortlist. Tipped as the favourites are Frances of Assisi and Kateri Tekakwitha who both hold ecological and environmental offices. The other candidates are St Andrew the Patron Saint of Scotland, the location of the COP26 Summit, and Thomas More, Patron Saint of Politicians.

At the start of the meeting, there was a shock announcement when St Andrew stood and declared his intention to withdraw from the race. Chaos ensued as his supporters on the committee, who hadn't seen this coming, passed folded pieces of paper and urgently tried to decide who they should now support.

Seasoned negotiator Thomas More spoke next. He read out recent requests received from politicians from around the world. This selection included one from Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Johnson was looking for divine intervention to prevent him from, once again, looking like a fool on the world stage. Johnson feared this would happen because he didn't understand the issues involved or what to do about them. Thomas said his intimate knowledge of politicians' dilemmas made him the ideal candidate to broker the agreements with God.

Kateri Tekakwitha walked to the podium to warm applause and talked knowledgeably about her experience as the patron saint of ecologists, ecology, environment, environmentalists. She contrasted this to Francis of Assisi's limited knowledge as he was only the patron saint of ecology.

Francis of Assisi heckled from the floor, 'Who outside of Montreal has even heard of you?' This comment aroused guffaws of laughter from many of his male colleagues.

Kateri replied that he wasn't as famous as he believed himself to be. For example, she recently witnessed a zoom meeting of eminent environmental writers, and 30% of the attendees did not know who Francis was. In addition, another group member had expressed concerns about Francis's conduct towards women, which Kateri felt could alienate many leaders at the COP26 Summit.

Francis of Assisi was the last to speak. His primary focus was on animals on planet Earth, many of whom are endangered or indeed extinct. He remembered fondly the time he had spent observing the dodos and how man's stupidity that drove them from the planet. Kateri pointed out that although animals were vital, The Summit was about so much more. She questioned Francis about global warming and how God could reduce CO2 emissions. Francis replied that he was keeping his plans to himself to avoid giving his opponents an advantage. Kateri raised her eyebrows and shook her head in disbelief. However, as Francis sat down, he received a standing ovation from many of those present.

Jude asked whether an intercession with God would be enough to secure a deal, as, to date, he had not listened to any requests. He suggested that a personal appearance by the Patron Saint at the Summit may have a more significant impact and gain them a following. To do this would, of course, necessitate the purchase of a miracle bond from God and possibly, if funds permitted, a Talking in Tongues credit. However, Jerome pointed out that if they appeared at the Summit in person, the interpreters would translate for them, sparing this expense.

Anthony, well known for his engineering of miracles, questioned how the patron saint would appear at the Summit. Kateri said that she felt an appearance on the stage would provide the best opportunity for them to present their case. She drew attention to the birds, which fly in never-ending circles around Francis's head as she felt they would be a distraction. However, Francis said if he appeared on MSM Messenger, people would see it as a filter. Kateri noted that although this may appeal to the Tik-Tok generation, she did not think that Global Leaders would take him seriously. The meeting closed without any firm decision about buying any bonds or credits from God.

There will undoubtedly be strong opinions, shared on the clouds, about whether Francis of Assisi or Kateri Tekakwitha is the strongest candidate. However, next week, the executive committee will make the final choice as to who will be the Patron Saint of COP Summits. The Earth's future rests in their hands; let's hope they make a better decision than the day they ruled that Adam and Eve must leave Eden. 

Published by John Bosco

 

Written by Jaqui Fairfax